this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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