operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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