look no pants
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
