It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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