Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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