You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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