Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
