Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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