You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
