I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
