The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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