Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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