You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
