I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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