i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
