We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
