Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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