its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
