This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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