Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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