You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
