He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
