If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
