Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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