Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
