Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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