Walk of Shame. In a state park.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
