I wish I could punch you in the face.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
