bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
