dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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