My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
