i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
