You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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