I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
