Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
