My hand turned me down
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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