i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
