Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
