You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
