I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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