sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
