it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
