I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
