i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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