If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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