evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
