take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
