Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
