I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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