I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
