you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
