how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
