I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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