then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
