I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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