if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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