she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
