I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
