Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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