Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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